More Zoo Animals and Communication Styles

If you go to the Zoo one day, take a moment to watch the animals interact amongst their own. You’ll see the roles and hierarchies within each species and the clear, un spoken rules that keep each “pack” running smoothly. As you walk along, you’ll also notice a very important aspect of the Zoo Design: The staff are very mindful of which animals can or cannot be placed with or near each other. It’s easy to understand the reasoning behind this Design consideration! If we place the Lion’s with the Gazelles, there’s a very good chance that the Gazelle will become prey. We humans know this for our animal friends; so we plan accordingly. In our Human World, though, we are not nearly as discerning,

As Humans seek connection and build relationships with others, we tend to roll along, naively assuming that other people are just like us. Those assumptions can work fine, until we hit a speedbump or topic that clearly shows us that we are not aligned in our thinking! Those are the moments that we tend to say to ourselves, “Oh Sh**! I thought we were PERFECT together! What are we going to do now??” . A first step is to pause, step back , and have a look at what type of “animal” you are. Here are some examples:
The Lion: Self assured in their position and perspective. Tends to be forthright in stating their point of view. Not well practiced in listening to other perspectives. Used to getting what they want , when they want it. Can be aggressive in getting what they want.

The Rhino: They tend to keep away from other animals but WILL react if provoked. Can reactively charge if feeling threatened or attacked. Tends to use strength or size to intimidate but prefer not to fight and would rather have the threat just go away.

The Monkey: The Monkey tends to jabber and jabber, often annoying animals around them and putting nervous animals on high alert. They don’t tend to read “body language” well and will continue jabbering and annoying until others’ near them blow up and possible attack.

The Turtle: These guys tend to be slow and methodical. They don’t seek out issues with other species and would prefer to slowly meander through life. If challenged aggressively, however, the turtle will tend to pull into its shell to hide behind the thick, armour of safety that it provides.

When you have an idea of your animal type, and the types of those close to you, it can help you understand and be planful with how you communicate. A Monkey can build a life with a Rhino; but, each of you need to be aware of, and respect, your different ways and needs.

Un-Fu*ked-upedness: How did I get here?

We all know the feeling at the end part….the “how the heck did everything get to feel so Fu*ked up???)

But, to unravel that, we need to go back to the beginning. How did I get here?

Usually, the BIG FACTOR in feeling “Fu*ked up” is that a “something” has happened that has created a big change in our life. It could be the loss of a job, or loss of a marriage. It could be the loss of a loved one due to death. It could be the loss of an old identity or the loss of our lives as we knew it. Generally, the loss of something tends to be at the base of the “Fu*ked up “ feeling. So, take a minute, and reflect on YOUR life….what are some recent changes or losses that might be affecting you?

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Legalizing Parenting: Mediation WITH Legal Advice

In my years as a Mediator, I often hear clients talk about choosing Mediation because it’s a cheaper alternative or because they don’t want to fight through the Courts and Lawyers. Both of these aspects are true. Mediation is a cheaper alternative. By sitting together (or, in different rooms at one time) and meeting with one person who can help you communicate, you have the ability to talk through issues in a much more efficient and timely manner. Mediation also saves Court time and costs (financially and emotionally). Court is expensive. Every appearance, affidavit, and letter costs money. In the end, most people find they have lost their voice in the process and end up with settlements or Order’s that are far different than what they hope for. If you choose to Mediate, you choose to work together to find solutions to issues. BUT, this does not mean that you do not use lawyers. The best and most efficient Mediations include your lawyers. Your lawyer won’t be at the table, but they will be part of the team Your Mediator will inform you of options and will educate you about topics to be discussed. You Mediator cannot give you Independent Legal Advice. By working with your Mediator and Lawyer together, you can make sure that you are making educated and informed decisions. The Mediator will ensure that you have clear and targeted questions to ask of your lawyer so that your meetings with your lawyer are as efficient as possible. Conversely, your Lawyer will ensure that you have the targeted information you need to make your Mediation sessions as efficient as possible. In the end, should you choose to legalize your Final Mediation Report, your lawyer can easily draft the agreement and will be confident to do so because they have been part of the process.

The Team work approach that you learn to use through Mediation will transfer into the approach that you use as Team Parents moving forward. And, Team Parents create the best possible outcomes for their children !

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Tips for Separated Parents during COVID -Tip 1….Sharing Kids and Court Orders

This is going to be a difficult time for separated parents who haven’t yet managed to develop a team approach. Courts are generally closed for business except for the ,most urgent cases. So, where does that leave you?

Many Parents may still be in a level of limbo in their Court process as they await their next court date. Unfortunately, this next date may not come for months. Some parents may be using temporary plans implemented as a result of a Temporary Court Order. These plans may not “fit” for the long term. Here are some steps you can take:

  1. Consult with your lawyer and ask their advice about whether you MUST follow your Order. Talk to them about the possibility of making changes on consent.

  2. Consider meeting with an Accredited Family Mediator to help you and the other parent come up with a new temporary plan that you both can agree with

  3. And/Or, meetwith a Family Mediator to develop some joint parenting strategies to help manage this limbo time.

Your children deserve as much love as they can get during these times! Let’s work together to help keep their lives running smoothly ❤️

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Becoming Spectacular

I saw a post on social media that said that we all can become spectacular. It got me thinking. I think that we already are. The problem is; too often we look for the “all or nothing”. We forget that it’s the little glimmers of spectacular (or peaceful, or kind, or content or whatever word you are working towards) that hold the most meaning. Life isn’t as easy as being Big ‘S’ Spectacular every day. It’s about understanding that we are always on a journey. It’s about forgiving ourselves for not being Perfection. It’s about allowing ourselves room to grow and learn. If we can just slow ourselves down, and take time to notice the glimmers, we can be on track toward feeling more fulfilled. So, today, I’m going to look for little bits of spectacular that are happening around me. I’m going to notice the beauty of the hummingbirds at the feeder. I’m going to see the times that I make someone smile. I challenge you to do the same. Let’s see the world through Spectacular Lenses; even if just for today.

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Time to leave the circus...

A large part of my practice is working with separated parents who are having a hard time sharing their children after separation. Often, one parent or the other will come to me hoping that, in some way, I can be the “heavy gun” who will regulate  the other parent and force them to behave differently. But, here’s the thing: different does not always mean wrong. Children have two parents and two people who may parent very differently. Agreed; sometimes a parenting decision can cause sadness or a bit of chaos. Bottom line though, there’s no definitive blueprint or manual for parenting. This journey is a serious of successes, mistakes, and opportunities to grow. Each parent will be on that journey in their own way and own pace. Will the kids be affected by the mistakes? Of course they will! Will they be affected by the successes? Of course they will as well.

So, my best advice to help all separated parents create a more peaceful life for their kids is this: It’s time to leave the Circus. Let each of you practice being the best form of clown that you can be. Give space for learning and growth . And, most importantly, let your kids know that each parent’s unique form of Clown can be something magical  (even when mistakes happen along the way). The more that your kids see that each of you respect each other, the more secure and safe they will feel. 

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From the Mouths of Babes

I had the best session with a little guy that I’ve been working with. As with many of the kids that I see, he had come to work with me because he was showing the strain of being caught in a difficult and angry separation between his parents. When we started, his “worry metre” was about 1/2 of his whole pie. (contact me if you want info about this pie idea). He felt unsupported and insecure because he constantly worried that his words might cause his parents to fall into another fight. He worried that he had no safety net if ever he needed or wanted “the other parent” during their non-custodial time.

Fast forward 8 months to yesterday. Yesterday, his worry sliver was about 1/20th of the whole pie! His reason why? “Mom and Dad are talking more”.  I couldn’t be more proud of these two parents!  It took hard work, trust building, and a willingness to try, but they’ve been able to become a team to coparent their son and give him the security that he needed.  It’s families like this that make my work worthwhile.

#mediationmatters

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Parenting Through Tragedy

This week, a young life in my community died by suicide. The ripples of this tragedy have touched many lives and have left many parents feeling worried and vulnerable. Questions are being asked. “If this happened to him, how do I know that my kid is safe?”. “ My teen is away at school. How do I know he/ she is doing okay?”. “My teen is really upset by this. Could he/she also be feeling suicidal?”. “My young child came home with questions. What do I say?”

FIRST lesson......Don’t  Panic...

Because of our greater exposure to news and media, it can seem like youth suicide is becoming epidemic in Canada. We hear things like “suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in youth” . What we don’t hear is the reason for this shift in statistic.  Suicide ranks higher as a cause of death because other causes, such as accidents, have decreased significantly. From 1974-2009, mortality rates have dramatically decreased in the youth population. Suicide rates have remained fairly consistent. (https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/82-624-x/2012001/article/chart/11696-02-chart6-eng.htm)

SECOND lesson....What can cause it?.....

(these factors may contribute to a persons decision) 

1. A pressure to succeed combined with the developmental inability to understand that difficult times will change

2. An overwhelming sense of hopelessness with a desire for the pain to stop

3.  A lack of connection with family, peers and/or school

4. Often, an history of “toxic socialization” ( instability, abuse, lack of nurturance during childhood) 

5. Cyber world pressures such as cyber bullying. 

6. A family member of close relative has attempted or died by suicide

THIRD lesson...What are some warning signs?...

1. Sudden behaviour or mood changes

2. Apathy, withdrawal

3. Depression or moodiness

4. Changes in sleep or eating habits

The difficulty with this list is that many of these “symptoms” mimic regular teenage angst. 

This brings us to the FOURTH lesson....What can I do?.... 

1. Communicate. Be direct. Talk to your kids about how they’re feeling. Check in with them. Ask them if they’ve ever had thoughts of suicide. Ask them if they’ve ever made a plan

-a suicidal person doesn’t necessarily want to end their life; they just want the pain to end. By opening the conversation, you can create a feeling of safety and relief. You can create space for hope

- try not to have strong reactions or make judgements about what you hear (keep the lines open)

2.  Check in and Lean in....Often. 

- adolescence is a time when our kids are finding themselves and their independence. They need room to do this BUT, it’s important that they know you’re there and that they know you care

3. If there is an immediate risk, call 911. 

4. Answer questions with honesty.  

This is an opportunity to start conversations about resilience and change. Talk to your kids about times that life can feel really sad or overwhelming. Help them explore strategies about what they can do at those times. For example, can they use mindfulness strategies? Would it help to speak with someone? Do they have healthy outlets for stress? What hobbies and habits do they have that give them satisfaction?  Help them feel empowered to do what they need to feel stronger.

5. Be predictive

As adults, we have the life experience to predict how events and stressors may effect people. Our children may not yet have that ability. Be aware. Send extra “love vibes” at times that you can predict that your child may be more vulnerable.  Ours teens won’t always tell us that they need us ( that just isn’t cool). It’s our job to make those connections. Sending a care package; having a lunch date; sending a love text....all of these acts can remind our teens that they have people who care.

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